I was caught up in a relationship with someone who couldn't love me how I wanted to be loved yet our connection was so strong I found it almost impossible to leave him. Our energy was polarising, yet the attraction was so strong. Together we experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. We would be on one week and off the next, each hurtful action and breakup eroding me till I couldn't recognise myself. I stayed in this cycle for almost 3 years and by the end of it I didn't know who I was. I had such low self esteem, my confidence was shattered and I didn't feel strong enough to stand on my own to feet because I was so weak. I was ashamed of it and so I would go back to the only person who I felt understood….him.
In the greatest depths of my darkness, I knew I needed help. I knew that I needed to start looking at the parts of myself I was running from and acknowledge what I needed to heal. Though I had tried to walk away many times, I had never been successful in doing so for long enough to begin that healing process. I started seeing a holistic therapist and slowly I began to put the pieces back together. I began to see what this situation was trying to teach me. I had to reclaim my worth and breakout of my negative patterning. I wished I could love him enough to change him, but how could I when I didn't even love myself.
So I came to realise that this was not the relationship I had dreamed for and it was never going to be. It was a hard pill to swallow to admit that I needed to walk away for good. The best and hardest advice I got went something like this... “Letting him have contact with you isn't working. You need to block his number. While the energy connection is still open, you run the risk of getting pulled back into that story. Even if you don’t reply to his messages or phone calls it still is robbing your energy and creating an energy drag away from what you really want in your life. One of you need to be strong and break the cycle of hurt- for the good of you both.”
It was a really hard choice to actually block him and it honestly took me 3 months to finally do but I knew it had to be done. It was ultimately the best decision I made! The moment I did it, I felt the change in my energy field. By closing that door, it allowed my energy and attention to be focused on learning how to love myself again. It create the space I needed to hear my heart's calling. By letting go of what wasn't working, the positive change I was seeking started coming into my life in beautiful and amazing ways. I found myself and I came to know what real love feels like, from the inside out.
Some wise words from Craig Harper really helps to sum it up for me ::
"Don’t confuse UNCONDITIONAL LOVE with unconditional tolerance of bad behaviour. We can simultaneously love a person but hate their behaviour. When we ‘enable’ people (through kindness and good intentions) we allow them to use, abuse, mistreat and manipulate us and sadly, our tolerance is part of the problem. Sure, it feels like help in the short term but over the long term, it isn’t. As long as there is little or no consequence for someone’s selfish and self-destructive behaviours - and as long as there’s always a ‘get out of jail’ card (our never-ending tolerance) - the chances of that person actually changing (thinking, habits, behaviours, results) are almost zero."